June; anxiety, distractions and faith.
June, will my heart ever stop beating fast when I think about you?
I started June on a pretty good note. I had just concluded my last professional papers two weeks prior and I was in my recovery phase which meant I was being showered with a lot of pampering, money and care from my family members and also from my friends.
However, it got worse.
I started feeling very anxious. My exams might rank first in the exams I’ve written with little preparation. I was worried that the exams might not turn out well. I couldn’t stop thinking about the results and my chest would start beating very fast, constricting in pain. Some days, I had to pause whatever I was doing so my heart could gain a little bit of normalcy and calm down a little. It was really difficult for me.
As a matter of fact, I started to look for distractions to help me forget the source of my anxiety. I started with my forever love: books.
I read nine beautiful books in June my best being We were girls once by Aiwanose Odafen. Some days I would just sit with one book and do nothing else. Some other days, I would read a little bit and scroll through my social media more. But overall I was reading and it made me feel like being in front of a cozy fireplace on a cold day. I felt warm.
Reading is my sanctuary — the haven I escape to when I want to ignore my problems- I’d rather read about another person’s problem than face mine. Reading is my soul food. I need it to survive. My friends would often tease me about how I used reading to escape reading (I often use reading novels to relax from school work, in my defence I’m reading for pleasure) but reading keeps me sane. It’s one of those things you terribly love but can’t properly articulate your love because there’s still no word in the English alphabet that perfectly describes how you feel about it.
Also, I tried Korean drama. Another (unhealthy)obsession of mine. I wasn’t able to completely lose myself in kdrama as I realised during the month how I was slowly turning my love for kdrama into an obsession.
I tried other things to distract myself too. But I didn’t try the most reliable cure — God. I believe that if I had put my focus on God, I probably wouldn’t have to struggle with anxiety.
Some days, I would wake up from unnecessary dreams about my exam results and some other days, I wasn’t even able to sleep at all.
It was all I could think about
June, regardless of the crushing weight it came with, came with blessings too. I spent more time with my friends, I finally started going back to class(trust me, this is an achievement in my books), and despite the reason behind my reading, I enjoyed those times I spent reading in June.
Surprisingly, I was able to tick one goal for June (for which I’m still in disbelief). I’ve always known that I’m a gifted and brilliant slacker with a laid-back vibe but I didn’t know things were extremely bad.
However, there were circumstances beyond my control. But I believe I could do better and I have a chance to prove that to myself in July.
June ended with me finally getting my professional exam results. I had a hard time coming to terms that I had failed but I’m on the journey of realigning my heart to God, the one who defines my purpose and not failure. The last week in June made me realise how I had tied my self-worth to my academic success. I had made myself believe that I was nothing if I didn’t succeed academically and that’s wrong, as a Christian first and as an emotionally mature woman. My success or failure doesn’t define who I am, God does.
July is for healing, laughter, exams and online courses and I’m making sure I take delight in every step I take in July. I’m just determined to look up to Jesus as often as possible till he’s all I can see.
What do you think your July would look like? You can set the tone about what you want your month to look like.
